I found the following on The Wicked Stepmom’s blog and thought it was a good creed for all stepmothers out there. Some pieces of it are obviously more delicate than others, but all in all, it’s a pretty good foundation. If adhered to with love and respect on both sides, perhaps it could solve many of the problems we stepfamilies face.
Stepmother’s Bill of Rights
- Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
- I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
- People outside the immediate family – including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children – cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
- I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
- I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
- I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
- I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
- Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
- I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.
- My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
I’ve seen this, too. It’s hilarious!
great blog!
-Erin
Let me rephrase my last comment (assuming it went through which maybe it didn’t).
The fact that that stepmoms or any stepparent for that matter should have to ask for this kind of treatment just seems beyond comprehension to the point of comical.
I could not agree more with most of the rights; however, it’s like asking that another gender or race have its own bill of rights. If you parent, you’re a parent regardless of the biology of it.
Erin – It’s true, isn’t it? It is beyond comprehension and, yet, stepparenting is some sort of second class for a lot of us out there. I completely agree on the “you’re a parent regardless of the biology of it,” but courts certainly don’t see it that way… not yet. And most bio-moms absolutely don’t see it that way and probably never will.
It’s my goal to have folks see stepparenting for what it is… another person who loves these kids. I don’t want to be an interloper, or take away anyone else’s rights, but I certainly do want to be treated with respect in my own home. I don’t want to be treated like a second-class citizen, and I don’t want my life dictated by my husband’s ex-wife. We’re getting there. I think we have more understanding in my marriage than there are in many out there. It’s a journey.
I hope this Bill of Rights helps other stepparents say, “Yeah, that’s how it should be.”
Thanks for your comments.
Those are interesting “bill of rights” Thank you for sharing!
Hi
i’m new here and don’t have that much information.Is this bill of rights something legal and real or is just something that we want to be?
Thank you
I like it…I’m in my first year of stepmotherhood, and even before this became ‘official’, I realized the need to make clear that my life would not be dictated by my husband’s ex-wife. Now I’m working on the private space, kids involved in housework, and feeling like I’m a fully integrated member of the household issues. It ain’t easy, but it’s certainly an opportunity for growth!
I am so glad I found ya’ll! I’ve felt like I’ve been going cazy with reading all the bs out there about me having to be a secondary parent (not primary like the kids’ legalparents)or a babysitter,……. it all has made me felt trapped and doomed to be Mary Poppins or Cinderella and even question if I made the best decision.
I am so glad to find other women who are approaching their family as THEIR FAMILY!
As I have expressed to their bio-mom (via email ofcourse, after she stated the she and my husband are “the parents” and that I am the “step-parent”): am I expected to care less, love less, think about them less, do less for and with them….. because I am not bioloically related to them and have no legal rights concernin them? It feels as though our culture (still! in 2007!) DOES expect this.
Anyways, thank you again!
Staying warm in Alaska~ Jeannette
@Nellie, Noosh and Jeannette – I’m glad you all landed here, too. It’s a tough gig, this stepmom thing. Support is paramount. Hang in there, I’m sure you’re doing a great job, and the kids need you to be a loving and stable force in their lives. There is absolutely NO crime in caring for your family, regardless of how that family came to be. And Jeannette, I’m jealous. We absolutely adored Alaska. I can’t wait to go back!
I think that this should also be added to the stepmom’s bill of rights.
It does not matter who has been in the childs life longer we should be treated like equals.
I have read this on your blog but wanted to add a comment, in particular about this one:
“I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.”
I don’t believe I should be treated as, or act like, an outsider outside the home either. Whether everyone involved likes it or not, I am a part of my significant other’s life, and the children’s life; when the kids ask me to attend an event, when they want me to share something with them, I will not shrink back like my participation is only halfway. No, my whole heart is there, and therefore my person will be too. And why?
Because the kids asked me to be. Enough said, for me.
Out of respect for the facts and the omnipotent & omnipresent force of human nature, our daughters had better be armed with the truth about the too high cost of step-mothering. A healthy dose of selfishness yields better returns for both the step-mom and the kids as well as the marriage. They are investing in something with an almost 100% guarantee of no return on their investment. Talk, Talk, Talk, -all of it. Keep it real. Step fathering takes the most honest and realistic approach: “those are your kids and they re your business, tend to it! My time, money, resources, emotions won’t be used for your agenda or your business. I will treat your kids with love and respect, but I wont’ be used.”
WHAT ARE APPROPREIT QUESTIONS TO ASK MY HUSBAND EX WIFE?
WE MET FOR THE FRIST TIME. WERE MEETING FRIDAY FOR 3 HOURS SHES OLDER THEN ME BY 9 YEARS? AND SHE BEAUTIFUL. IM BEAUTIFUL TO BUT IM 25 SHE 34 AND ITS MY FRIST TIME DOING THIS, I FEEL INTIMADATED.
Hi,my fiance has three children and I have custody of both my children we started seeing each other five years ago she owns her own house and everything inside as well she doesn’t make her kids do anything my kids I make do chores we moved in together and I always feel like I am on egg shells her oldest 2 sons were living down stairs in the two bedrooms with their girl friends which I didn’t agree on that they did but again it was here house
I put alot of labor into the house,new kitchen,new floors throughout big addition on her shed,painting so on and so forth
my oldest son I gave my furniture to as he got his own place my youngest one is slow and she is always on him she is quick to point out his faults but when I say something to her children her children run to her and she yells at me instead of backing me
thus her kids show me no respect and she tells me I need to change I paid for two years her mortgage and lights every month while living there she then asked me to move out and get my own place which I did and had to start all over again then three days later she realized that when I told her”the kids win”it hit a nerve and now wants me to move back in but I have a years lease
and I refuse to break the lease she also wants me to sign a prenup as she feels my children should have no rights to anything of hers I sit here and ponder her sons are 24 and 22 and her daughter is 17 and she allows her daughters boyfriend in her bedroom lights out all cuddled under the blankets watching TV
I know she is not my daughter but if she was the boyfriend wouldn’t even know what her bedroom looked like am I wrong Ladies?I am a guy who went through a Divorce I didn’t want and fought for my two sons as they asked me to and quiet frankly I would of anyway I put this out there should I run?I am at witts end I am not perfect and never claimed to be,I told her along time ago I never wanted her house as it should be sold if a life together is what she wanted and we build our own foundation as equals…plz write
I love this. I am a full custodial mom to a daughter and a stepmom to 3 boys as well as having a daughter with my husband. Being a stepmom has been so much harder than being a mom. As a mom I don’t get questioned as a step mom it’s a whole different story although I am not sure why. At MY house I am the only mom. However my step sons mother only works against us on that. It isn’t always easy, but it is getting better finally after 5 years.
I have been a stepmom for a little over a year.My step-daughter is 7 and we have a good relationship,however her mother hates me.She is angry because the child likes me, so she tries to poison her opinion of me.My husband is a financial dad only.When he and the mother lived together she would not allow him to be very involved in the childs activities or involved with her care.Note:they were both “OLDER” when they conceived this child.He is at the age where he does not have much patience for little children.Therefore when she comes to visit EVERY 1ST,3RD,& 5TH WEEKEND OF THE MONTH,all her time is basically spent with me.I have raised 3 children who are 25,20,&18.I was a young mother.It is my opinion that they both lack parenting skills. The child’s behavior has become so bad because of the mother’s influence, that I have started to back away and limit my involvement with her on the weekends.I provide her with what she needs but nothing extra. I feel guilty but I cant allow the mother and the child to treat me like dirt.
On our last visitation,my stepdaughter cried and screamed all night.her father was not home because he works shift work.She said over and over.I want my mommy and she proceded to get louder and louder.I ignored it at first thinking that if I didnt give her an audience she would stop.Eventually I had to address it if I was going to get any sleep.I explained to her that I would not allow her to scream all night and if she didnt like visiting or if she was unable to sleep alone,perhaps she should let her mother know and maybe she would let her stay at home.You see her mother allows her at the age of 7 to sleep in the bed with her even though, She has her own room.So when she comes to our home, she expects to sleep in between me and my husband. I think that is highly inappropriate. She says and does inappropriate things (for a 7 year old)because she is allowed to sit in the company of adults and listen to adult conversations.I am trying my best to teach the child social skills, it is just very difficult when her bio mom does not set any rules for her to follow. I love my stepdaughter very much and pray for a solution to his problem.
Hiya, just found your blog through a link from dragonflymama’s blog. Loving the Bill of Rights! I’m a stepmum blogger from the UK, have one SD10 and seriously nutty BM so I’m soooo happy to discover all the stepmum bloggers out here in cyberspace! Would love to read the rest of your blog.
WickedSteppie x
I gave up finally on trying to get any respect from the kids, their mother, grandmother, the step dad, ect. I am anxiously awaiting the end of child support so that my husband and I can buy a house. This sounds callous I know…..but if I told you what I had been through you would understand.
I go on without guilt, knowing that I did not create this mess, and that even though I tried to help, noone appreciated my efforts (except my husband) and that some messes will always be just that.
Hello all! I just walked into being a stepmom of a sweet innocent 2 year old whos mom is a mess! She violates court orders regarding my husbands visitations, accuses us of having somethng going on at our house to make my step daughter not want to come over, cancels visitations for two weeks in a row, etc… It is ridiculous! Just tonight we had to have the cops come and let her know she is violating the court order by not letting the little girl go with us and she said “my attorney is on top of it” and when I said the little girl is upset and won’t go with us because we havent seen her in two weeks the mom told me “it’s none of your business” but the mom had no problem before telling me what my step daughter likes to eat and other helpful info. I do not get it. Why do moms feel it is ok to put their children through this mess?
Liz,
Your story is about as close as I’ve read to mine. I don’t understand why the Bio Mom puts the kids (2 boys) thru the mess. I was a single parent for 15 years, and my daughters dad remarried many times. I got to know evey new wife and extended friendship because they would be spending time with my daughter. I didn’t want my daughter to suffer. I wanted her to feel loved,and I wanted the current step mom to call me first if anything happened to my child. I finally re-married and my husband’s X weilds her boys like weapons, I’ve seen them lie on the floor and cry when she is screaming at them over the phone to tell me to leave our home. It’s heart wrenching. How can a mother do that to her kids? It’s been over 5 years now and I’ve tried to be-freind her for the kids sake… there’s just no possibility of peace. I figure she must be very scared, and insecure… why else would she do these things. I just want to assure her that I’m not a threat, but she won’t even talk to me. She calls me names when no one is around and sends me ugly things at Christmas, like used oven mits and torn pillows and notes that say “I hope you learn the reson for the season”. To me that’s a very sad, lonely and scared person. She knows nothing about me, but attacks me… fear of the unknown…. very sad. I keep praying for her that one day she’ll find peace.