I found the following on The Wicked Stepmom’s blog and thought it was a good creed for all stepmothers out there. Some pieces of it are obviously more delicate than others, but all in all, it’s a pretty good foundation. If adhered to with love and respect on both sides, perhaps it could solve many of the problems we stepfamilies face.
Stepmother’s Bill of Rights
- Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.
- I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
- People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
- I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
- I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
- I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
- I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
- Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
- I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.
- My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
I’ve seen this, too. It’s hilarious!
great blog!
-Erin
Let me rephrase my last comment (assuming it went through which maybe it didn’t).
The fact that that stepmoms or any stepparent for that matter should have to ask for this kind of treatment just seems beyond comprehension to the point of comical.
I could not agree more with most of the rights; however, it’s like asking that another gender or race have its own bill of rights. If you parent, you’re a parent regardless of the biology of it.
Erin - It’s true, isn’t it? It is beyond comprehension and, yet, stepparenting is some sort of second class for a lot of us out there. I completely agree on the “you’re a parent regardless of the biology of it,” but courts certainly don’t see it that way… not yet. And most bio-moms absolutely don’t see it that way and probably never will.
It’s my goal to have folks see stepparenting for what it is… another person who loves these kids. I don’t want to be an interloper, or take away anyone else’s rights, but I certainly do want to be treated with respect in my own home. I don’t want to be treated like a second-class citizen, and I don’t want my life dictated by my husband’s ex-wife. We’re getting there. I think we have more understanding in my marriage than there are in many out there. It’s a journey.
I hope this Bill of Rights helps other stepparents say, “Yeah, that’s how it should be.”
Thanks for your comments.
Those are interesting “bill of rights” Thank you for sharing!
Hi
i’m new here and don’t have that much information.Is this bill of rights something legal and real or is just something that we want to be?
Thank you
I like it…I’m in my first year of stepmotherhood, and even before this became ‘official’, I realized the need to make clear that my life would not be dictated by my husband’s ex-wife. Now I’m working on the private space, kids involved in housework, and feeling like I’m a fully integrated member of the household issues. It ain’t easy, but it’s certainly an opportunity for growth!
I am so glad I found ya’ll! I’ve felt like I’ve been going cazy with reading all the bs out there about me having to be a secondary parent (not primary like the kids’ legalparents)or a babysitter,……. it all has made me felt trapped and doomed to be Mary Poppins or Cinderella and even question if I made the best decision.
I am so glad to find other women who are approaching their family as THEIR FAMILY!
As I have expressed to their bio-mom (via email ofcourse, after she stated the she and my husband are “the parents” and that I am the “step-parent”): am I expected to care less, love less, think about them less, do less for and with them….. because I am not bioloically related to them and have no legal rights concernin them? It feels as though our culture (still! in 2007!) DOES expect this.
Anyways, thank you again!
Staying warm in Alaska~ Jeannette
@Nellie, Noosh and Jeannette - I’m glad you all landed here, too. It’s a tough gig, this stepmom thing. Support is paramount. Hang in there, I’m sure you’re doing a great job, and the kids need you to be a loving and stable force in their lives. There is absolutely NO crime in caring for your family, regardless of how that family came to be. And Jeannette, I’m jealous. We absolutely adored Alaska. I can’t wait to go back!
I think that this should also be added to the stepmom’s bill of rights.
It does not matter who has been in the childs life longer we should be treated like equals.
I have read this on your blog but wanted to add a comment, in particular about this one:
“I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my own home.”
I don’t believe I should be treated as, or act like, an outsider outside the home either. Whether everyone involved likes it or not, I am a part of my significant other’s life, and the children’s life; when the kids ask me to attend an event, when they want me to share something with them, I will not shrink back like my participation is only halfway. No, my whole heart is there, and therefore my person will be too. And why?
Because the kids asked me to be. Enough said, for me.
Out of respect for the facts and the omnipotent & omnipresent force of human nature, our daughters had better be armed with the truth about the too high cost of step-mothering. A healthy dose of selfishness yields better returns for both the step-mom and the kids as well as the marriage. They are investing in something with an almost 100% guarantee of no return on their investment. Talk, Talk, Talk, -all of it. Keep it real. Step fathering takes the most honest and realistic approach: “those are your kids and they re your business, tend to it! My time, money, resources, emotions won’t be used for your agenda or your business. I will treat your kids with love and respect, but I wont’ be used.”
WHAT ARE APPROPREIT QUESTIONS TO ASK MY HUSBAND EX WIFE?
WE MET FOR THE FRIST TIME. WERE MEETING FRIDAY FOR 3 HOURS SHES OLDER THEN ME BY 9 YEARS? AND SHE BEAUTIFUL. IM BEAUTIFUL TO BUT IM 25 SHE 34 AND ITS MY FRIST TIME DOING THIS, I FEEL INTIMADATED.