Cats Are Heavenly, Too

Greg Stier, the fearless leader over at Dare 2 Share has amazing insight about things biblical, things related to teenagers, and especially things related to biblical teenagers. I read his blog faithfully and almost always find myself nodding my head emphatically at what he has to say. I must say that his most recent post did NOT get the nod from me.

By way of defending my four-legged feline friends, in particular one that has been my friend for longer than my kids have been alive, I put together some important things everyone should know about cats:

A cat can jump 7 times as high as its tail. When cats jump their footpads absorb the shock of landing. Dogs can jump to only twice their own height and have little control over how they land.

If a cat falls, it has the ability to right itself and land on its feet before hitting the ground due to the way his/her inner ear canal is designed.

Cats have incredible night vision and only need 1/6th of the light humans need in order to see. Dogs rely on their sense of smell because their eyesight isn’t as good.

A cat’s hearing capability is five times greater than that of a human. A cat can rotate its ears 180 degrees and can locate the source of a sound ten times faster than the most capable watchdog.

A cat can sprint at 30 miles per hour.

A cat can be either right-pawed or left-pawed.

Cats have about 100 different vocalization sounds. In comparison, dogs have about 10.

A cat’s brain is more similar to a human’s brain than that of a dog.

In relation to their body size, cats have the largest eyes of any mammal.

Both humans and cats have identical regions in the brain responsible for emotion.

The cat does not have a true collarbone and can therefore squeeze its body through most spaces that its head fits through. Whiskers act as radar and help the cat gauge the space it is contemplating to walk through.

Tests done by the Behavioral Department of the Musuem of Natural History conclude that while a dog’s memory lasts about 5 minutes, a cat’s recall can last as long as 16 hours.

According to tests performed by Donald Adams, D.V.M., the cat possesses a surprisingly high level of intelligence and can remember problem solving strategies and use insight to “think” their way out of situations. Their curiosity stems from their intelligence and they will work endlessly and desperately to obtain the results they want.

In 1987, cats overtook dogs as the number one pet in America. In the U.S., households earning $60,000 or more annually are twice as likely to have a cat than a dog.

A couple of additional personal thoughts:

• Cats aren’t needy, like dogs and they don’t slobber.
• Cats don’t take a drink from their water bowl and slosh three-quarters of it out of their mouths across the entirety of the kitchen floor.
• Cats use a litterbox, so you don’t have to go out and hunt all over the yard for an afternoon for evidence they’ve been there, or suffer stepping in said evidence first.
• You can leave a cat, when you go on vacation, with enough food and water and they’ll be just fine when you return–no boarding fees necessary.
• Cats don’t empty the trashcan, beg at the table, or chew your precious possessions into oblivion.

Dogs certainly have their place, but I’ll take cats any day!

Business Meeting Etiquette

To those chairing or attending meetings in the Corporate World, or anywhere else, I thought I’d pass along these words of wisdom from an article by Gary M. Smith, called Eleven Commandments for Business Meeting Etiquette.

1. R.S.V.P. When asked via phone, email, or electronic calendar to attend business meeting, be sure to reply if reply is requested. Some meetings are structured and spaces secured on the basis of expected attendance.

2. Arrive Early. If this is not possible, arrive at the scheduled time at the latest—but never late. Do not assume that the beginning of a meeting will be delayed until all those planning to attend are present. If you arrive late, you risk missing valuable information and lose the chance to provide your input. Also, you should not expect others to fill you in during or after the meeting; everyone is busy, and those who were conscientious enough to arrive on time should not have to recap the meeting for you.

3. Come Prepared. Always bring something to write on as well as to write with. Meetings usually are called to convey information, and it is disruptive to ask others for paper and pen if you decide to take notes. If you know you will be presenting information, ensure that your handouts, view foils, PowerPoint slides, etc., are organized and ready.

4. Do Not Interrupt. Hold your comments to the speaker until the meeting has adjourned or until the speaker asks for comments, unless, of course, the speaker has encouraged open discourse throughout the meeting. Also, do not interrupt other attendees. Hold your comments to others in the meeting until after the meeting is adjourned. Conversation during a meeting is disruptive to other attendees and inconsiderate of the speaker.

5. Abstain from Electronics. As the notice posted at the beginning of films in movie theaters requests, “Please silence cell phones and pagers.” Activate voice mail if you have it, or forward messages to another phone.

6. Speak in Turn. When asking a question, it usually is more appropriate to raise your hand than to blurt out your question. Other attendees may have questions, and the speaker needs to acknowledge everyone.

7. Keep Your Questions Brief. When asking questions, be succinct and clear. If your question is detailed, break it into parts or several questions. But be sure to ask only one question at a time; others may have questions as well.

8. Pay Attention. Listen to the issues the speaker addresses, the questions from the attendees, and the answers provided. You do not want to waste meeting time asking a question that has already been asked.

9. Be Patient and Calm. Do not fidget, drum your fingers, tap your pen, flip through or read materials not concerning the meeting, or otherwise act in a disruptive manner.

10. Attend the Entire Meeting. Leave only when the meeting is adjourned. Leaving before the end of the meeting—unless absolutely necessary and unless you have prior permission—can be disruptive to other attendees and inconsiderate of the speaker.

11. Respond to Action Items. After the meeting, be sure to complete any tasks assigned to you as expeditiously as possible; file your meeting notes or any formalized minutes for later review or to prepare for future meetings.

Be on time, don’t interrupt, take turns, be prepared, follow through. Things I learned in kindergarten?

All of the above really seem like common sense and common courtesy to me, but some have evidently forgotten their appropriateness. I think I’ll pass this along to the “Etiquette Challenged” in my life. Maybe we can start a revolution…

Corporate Communication

Oxymoron. I’m just saying… Being a female in the male-dominated, corporate world of IT is an interesting thing. When I say interesting, I mean it in the same way that stabbing yourself in the eye with the pointy end of a sharp pencil might be interesting. More accurately, it’s frustrating. Even more to the point, it makes me crazy.

Let me mention a couple of things up front here. One, I am not a feminist. By that I don’t mean that I subscribe to some theory that my brain is somehow less functional than any man’s brain. In fact, I’d venture that my brain would outperform a lot of my colleagues, particularly at my current engagement. However, I do understand that men and women are different and, most of the time, I celebrate those differences. Two, I am not male bashing. I like most males, my husband and my two sons, in particular. It just so happens that it is the men in my little corporate IT world who are behaving poorly.

We had a meeting yesterday. I was the only female in a room of ten people. We were discussing a database copy solution that might work for our backups. It’s a simple concept really. This package allows us to make a copy of the whole database, using pointers and deltas only, so we take up a lot less space than the actual database and we can use different resources to perform the backups. It’s a good strategy. When we move a database around, though, we have to change the instance name, and that touches every single record.

I asked a question, to our Subject Matter Expert on the phone, regarding the space usage for deltas created by this instance name change. I got seventeen different answers from the folks in the room, not a single one of which actually answered my question. They ran over each other trying to explain to me why the database wouldn’t be unavailable for any length of time, why the deltas would be stored on our production instance, and other such nonsense. I tried, on at least five separate occasions, to clarify my question (which I asked quite succinctly in the first place) but they were all so busy answering what they thought I had asked that I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

After about five painful minutes of this, one of them spoke up and said, “The space used to store deltas for the SID change might be significant… to answer your question.”

“Thanks,” I replied. “I thought perhaps I was speaking Greek.”

Confused stares all around. Eye roll from my camp.

For the rest of the meeting, no one observed anything close to Robert’s Rules of Order. People spoke out of turn, interrupted with great frequency, and I found myself not even wanting to jump in the fray. The couple of times I tried I was rewarded with someone interrupting loudly, and just increasing the decibel level if I tried to continue with my question or comment. It’s true, they interrupted each other, too. They talked over each other, too. But the tone is distinctly different. I don’t think it’s malicious. I don’t think it’s intentional. I don’t even think it’s conscious. It’s pretty subtle. But if you’re a woman in corporate life right now, I bet you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Sociologists have been researching male/female communication for a long time and the evidence simply shows that men interrupt women, a lot. See the following from this Psychology Today article:

In fact, men often interrupt outright, and they do this far more frequently than women do, several studies have shown. Candace West and Don Zimmerman, sociologists at the University of California, recorded a number of two-party conversations. When men spoke with men or women with women, there were relatively few interruptions, and those that did occur were balanced between the two speakers. When men conversed with women, however, not only did more interruptions occur, but 96 percent of them involved men interrupting women.

I have found that when men interrupt other men, it’s usually in agreement. “Yep, know exactly what you mean.” “Right on, that’s the spirit.” “Yes, I had that same situation occur.” If you watch for a long period of time, it’s pretty rare that they interrupt each other to disagree with a point someone is making. They tend to wait until someone gives up the floor. In my situation, though, the interruption is almost always in disagreement, and it’s usually before I have even finished my thought or point in its entirety. While I don’t think it’s intentional, I do think it’s rude. For as far as we have come, corporate etiquette still needs a makeover.

I used to sit back and steam over the fact that I could never finish a sentence. I don’t do that anymore. I say something like, “I’m sorry, I’d like to finish that thought.” or “Hold on just a minute, you didn’t let me finish.” I’ve even gone so far as to say, on one occasion, “Have you not learned Robert’s Rules of Order?” The unfortunate thing about this communication issue is that the differences are still fairly glaring. If a man says, “Hold on just a minute, you didn’t let me finish,” he’s assertive, aggressive, a good candidate for a go-get-’em position in the company. If a woman does it, well… you know what they call us. From the same article in Psychology Today:

That women express their thoughts more tentatively and work harder to get someone’s attention probably says something about their conversational experience with men–experience along the lines of what Derber, Fishman, West and Zimmerman have documented. Moreover, women may have internalized men’s assumptions that what they have to say isn’t very interesting or intellectually rigorous. This hesitancy then becomes the norm for “proper” feminine speech. Lakoff deplores this situation, noting that “a woman is damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t.” She is “ostracized as unfeminine by both men and women” if she speaks directly and assertively but dismissed “as someone not to be taken seriously, of dim intelligence, frivolous” if she adopts the traditional style and role.

Listen up, ladies — if you want respect in the workplace, speak your mind. They’ll deal with thinking you’re abrasive better than they will deal with thinking you’re weak. And men? Stop interrupting! Give the women at your workplace the same courtesy you give men. I get that it’s not conscious. Start making a conscious effort to NOT do it. Because you’re losing a tremendous amount of talent and so many great ideas in the cacophony of your own voices.

That’s just one of the reasons women are leaving Corporate America in droves.

Nectar of the Gods – Improved

Have you tried the new Diet Coke Plus? When hubby brought home the fridge pack, I must admit that I laughed heartily. Is it possible? Have we sunk to such dietary lows that we have to add vitamins and minerals to junk food just to get them into people’s diets? Whatever will the vitamin stores say? I’m sure they must be up in arms. Their sales will likely plummet. I mean, who wants to stop by the vitamin store and take a tablet that tastes like rotten meat when one can just drink a Diet Coke and be good to go?

Hubby had a good argument. I am, after all, a beverage addict, kind of like Jill. Her blog entry about her beverage addiction was great.  Water is just not my thing, either. Diet Coke, however, is.  It’s The Nectar of the Gods, in my book. It’s crisp, refreshing, has just the right amount of caffeine to get me going in the morning, and tastes great. I stopped drinking regular soda when I was 12, so it’s been a long time since I’ve even thought about aftertaste. It really is the perfect drink for me. Anyone who knows me would be hard-pressed to name a time that I didn’t have one in my hand, even in church.

So, he thought that he might as well contribute to my well-being if he was going to contribute to my habit. According to Coke, he told me, each eight-ounce serving of Diet Coke Plus provides a good source of Niacin (vitamin B3), vitamins B6 and B12, zinc and magnesium (15% Daily Value Niacin, B6 and B12, 10% Daily Value for zinc and magnesium). I think he read that off of the package, but it sounded good. I conceded.

I tried it. It was good… really good! I was surprised.

I thought I would check out what folks were saying out there about Diet Coke Plus. Lots of buzz, some decent, some sarcastic, some downright militant (it’s JUST a soft drink, folks!). This article from chow.com is pretty funny. I loved the comments at the bottom. I, too, think it’s pretty hilarious that we put vitamins and minerals in a drink that’s probably sucking the calcium out of our bones with every sip, but hey, I’m drinking it anyway. It’s a dietary staple for me. Nectar of the Gods, remember? Why not try to add something to it? Perhaps if I find just the right balance of pre-packaged foods, loaded with preservatives, and Diet Coke Plus, I’ll live to be 150!

Today’s Perplexities

Perplexities about marriage and kids:

1. Why is it that no matter how close the dishwasher is to the sink (or how empty the dishwasher might be), no one but me can get their dishes from the sink into the dishwasher?

2. Why is is that no matter how full the trashcan gets (like so full that the lid will no longer close and the next piece of trash has to be placed just so, like the next card in a card house, in order to not fall off and onto the floor), no one but me thinks to empty it?

3. Why is that once the trashcan has been emptied, no one but me is capable of putting a new bag into it?

4. Why is it that when the trashcan has no bag everyone but me still throws trash into it?

5. Why is it that no matter how many rolls of toilet paper are under the sink in the bathroom, within arm’s reach of the person going potty, no one but me changes the toilet paper roll?

6. Why is it that no matter where I place the hamper in any given room in the house, clothing simply cannot, must not, under any circumstances, actually make it into the hamper, but must instead be dropped directly in the middle of the floor?

7. Why is it that, even though the timer is set for 30 minutes, every game played on the XBox takes at least 35 minutes?  (Just the additional amount of time it takes me to say “Did I hear the timer go off?”)

8. Why is it that even though not a single child wanted to play the computer five minutes before, once one child wants to play, they all want to play?

9. Why is it that sleeves are so much better at nose-wiping than Kleenex (even the kind with lotion)?

10. Why is it that I am the only person in my household that is capable of chewing with my mouth closed?

I’m perplexed.  How about you?

Alec’s Outburst

I’m sure you’ve heard by now about Alec Baldwin’s rambling, venomous voicemail to his 11-year-old daughter. It was definitely out of line, no question. I don’t want you to think that I’m supporting his behavior, because I’m certainly not. But I do understand it.

Married to a father who shares custody of his kids, I have seen this frustration level firsthand. I have seen the aftermath when a Mother alienates her child from her father a little every day. I have seen the accusations fly. I have stood in the front yard of our home and witnessed a child scream at my husband that he’s worthless, abusive, doesn’t pay enough child support, and never cared enough about her.

Where does that come from? Did she come up with that drivel in her little 13-year-old mind? Nope. She got it from Mommy.

I have watched my husband turn inward a little bit more when Mommy schedules some kind of activity or event during each and every visitation he’s supposed to have. I have watched his eyes well with tears when the daughter herself calls and demands to have her wishes met, or tells him she’s just not coming. I have watched his face fall when she tells him she never wants to see him again. Who encourages this? You guessed it… Mommy.

That’s the same Mommy that should be nurturing her daughter through her life, not poisoning her mind against her Father every day, under the guise of caring for her, of telling her the truth. She shouldn’t be repeating the foul, awful things she tells her. She shouldn’t be messing with Daddy’s visitation time. She shouldn’t be encouraging her daughter to disrespect her father at every turn.

What she should be doing is supporting her daughter’s relationship with her Daddy. She should be telling her daughter that Daddy is the best Daddy in the world, even if he’s absolutely the worst. She should be telling her daughter that Daddy loves her… so much. She should be keeping quiet about the things she thinks about Daddy, because there was a time when Daddy was good enough for her. She should allow Daddy to be good enough for her daughter. If Daddy truly isn’t so great, she should allow her daughter the courtesy of figuring out for herself what Daddy is like, later in her life when she has the tools to cope.

No, I don’t believe Alec’s rambling, explicative-laced voicemail was the proper communication to an 11-year-old kid, but who do you rail against when the most important person in your life is purposely destroying your relationship and you have no control? Who do you scream at when you’ve spent your life savings getting a court order to maintain your relationship with your children and you can’t even get Mommy to have them answer the phone? What do you say? What do you do? To whom do you turn?

Can the court system help you in times like these? Nope. Mommy is still all-knowing, still the best parent in the court’s eyes. Even if they believe that Mommy is destroying your relationship with your child and she’s doing it intentionally, they’re overloaded with cases of “real abuse,” so no time to look at yours. Even if they determine that Mommy is violating the order, they simply don’t jail the mother of three children. Maybe just a slap on the hand. And filing that order? Another $5K out of your pocket. Will they at least assign her attorney’s fees? Likely, no. Maybe you could ask the Advocate. Nope. They don’t believe Parental Alienation exists.

I’m here to tell you that it does. It’s very real. It’s so much a part of the divorced-with-children process, it ought to be labeled an epidemic. It doesn’t happen to just Daddies, but I would venture that most of the alienated are indeed fathers. That means we have a huge number of kids out there who have no relationship with Dad… because of Mom.

That missing Daddy piece will scar them in so many areas, it’s almost unfathomable. After all, they’re a product of Daddy, right? If he’s that bad, they must carry some of that badness, too. Even worse, many will grow up thinking that Daddy just bailed on them, abandoned them, cared too little about them to stick around and lend a hand in their raising, instead of understanding what they should… that Mommy drove Daddy away, selfishly and purposefully.

Somehow this whole house of cards is built on the premise that when we divorce we’re in some kind of twisted contest to see who measures up better in the eyes of the child. With whom does she want to live? With whom does she want to spend more time? Pick me! Pick me! Of course the court system contributes to this, because that’s all you fight for in the court system anymore–who is the better parent? The real question, and the question the laws SHOULD be framed around, is “What’s best for the child?” Sadly, that’s not what we’re really asking, although I’m sure every family law judge out there would tell you that’s what they’re doing.

So, when you’re a father, and you’ve been beaten by the court system, beaten by the Advocate, beaten by the Mommy and, in the coup de grace, beaten by your own child, what kind of frustration level do you think you might have? Enough to curse, to scream, to berate? Probably. I don’t think I could handle it on my best day. Is it right? No. But I can understand it.

It’s a dirty little war, this custody thing. It’s insidious, it’s evil, it’s painful. And when you know that Mommy brainwashes your child every day, it’s not such a stretch to find yourself fighting dirty, too. When you know that you can’t change it, that you can’t fight it, that you give up or go bankrupt trying, I can see how you could go over the edge trying to get your child to hear you.

I am a Mommy myself and I understand the desperate desire to prove oneself. But my son will grow up thinking Daddy hung the moon, unless Daddy shows him otherwise. I can’t stand to watch what alienation has done to my husband and to my stepchildren. I won’t participate in alienating my son from his father. I won’t be the one that causes him to grow up missing that Daddy-piece of his life.

It’s too bad that Kim can’t have that kind of perspective. It’s too bad that Kim doesn’t make sure Alec’s little girl answers the phone when he calls. It’s too bad that Kim spends all of her resources making sure her daughter is “on her side”, using her as a pawn. It’s too bad that Alec was good enough, once upon a time, to be Daddy–good enough that Kim trusted him to father her little girl–and now he’s vilified to the person in his life he probably loves the most, his 11-year-old daughter.

It’s too bad that it has happened to Alec and Kim. It’s too bad that it has happened to millions of parents across this nation. It’s too bad that it will happen to millions more. It’s too bad that our kids will grow up missing a huge piece of their identities because one parent can’t understand what’s really best for the child. It’s too bad that we encourage it. It’s too bad that we jump on the bandwagon before we really understand the situation, or its repercussions…

Because while Alec is the one being hurt in the media right now, both he and his daughter will pay the price, for a long time to come, for the game Kim is playing.

Critical Thinking

I’ve been pondering the meaning of critical thinking with great regularity lately. I remember having many conversations with my folks as a youngster about the importance of critical thinking. I remember hearing that going through college really teaches one the art of critical thinking. I remember having multiple discussions about people who did not have the critical thinking skillset. I don’t think I ever really understood the definition, though. I don’t think I got down to the nuts and bolts or thought about it on a deeper level. I just assumed I knew what it was and did it.

Now, I have kids. Suddenly, it’s a very concrete concept. I get it. Entirely. No question.

The youngest daughter is a wonderfully talented, funny, amazing person. She is also extremely intelligent, so I don’t want you to misconstrue what comes next. I’m not questioning her ability, AT ALL. Rather, I’m wondering at what point in her young life (she’s 9 now) she will learn the skill of critical thinking.

When we first assigned the chore of dishwasher emptying to her, she began the task with gusto. She knew where the silverware belonged, so she started with that. She put each piece away meticulously. She then moved on to the pots and pans. She asked, for each piece, where it should go. Although I reminded her several times that all of the pots and pans go in the same cupboard, each time she pulled another out of the dishwasher she asked where it should go. Same deal with the lids. All lids go in the drawer under the oven, but with each piece she asked again.

Funniest was when she got to putting away the plates, bowls and glasses. Plates, bowls and glasses both go in upper cupboards, so her initial solution was to place them all on the counter. When I asked her why she had not put them away, she replied that she was unable to reach the cupboards. They were just too high for her. She demonstrated by grabbing a glass off of the counter and reaching her arm up toward the cupboard, up on one toe, eyes wide, knowing look on her face.

“See?”

“What would you do if that was the candy cupboard?” I asked. “Do you think you would find a way to be able to reach the cupboard?”

She smiled a tiny smile. The smile quickly went away, replaced by a questioning, innocent look. No words.

“How about if you get a chair?” I suggested. “Maybe then you would be able to reach.”

She nodded, shoulders slumped, and wandered to the table. She got the chair and put away the glasses, returned the chair to its place at the table, and announced that she was finished.

“Hmmm, good job on the glasses. How about the plates and bowls?” I asked.

Big sigh. Chair legs scraped across the floor as she dragged it from the table again. Plates and bowls somehow found their rightful place in the cupboard and she put the chair away again.

“Am I done now?”

“Is the job done?” I asked.

“I think so.” she said.

“Then I think you’re done.”…

Last week, she was ill. She stayed home from school with the “in the chair, cold washcloth on the head, sprint for the bathroom, bucket by your side” funk. Early in the morning the poor kiddo had thrown up all over the carpet in her room (no bucket, bad Stepmommy). That meant that I was the Steamcleaning Queen of the Universe. (Side note: if you have children and you have not purchased a steamcleaner, you MUST go directly to Wal-Mart, do not pass to, do not collect $200, and buy one!) I steamcleaned. I dumped the yuckiness in the toilet. I rinsed the tank thoroughly with soap and hot water. I set it in the tub to dry.

She decided mid-morning that a bath would be nice. I concurred. I love to take baths when I’m sick. They’re soothing, relaxing, calming. If they can’t cure the bug, they sure seem to put it on pause for awhile. Into the bathroom she went to run a tub. I heard silence for several seconds and then out of the bathroom she came, finger pointing back towards the bathroom.

“The steamcleaner thingy is in the tub,” she said.

“It is?” I asked.

“Yes,” she replied.

“And…” I prompted.

“And I can’t run a tub because it’s in there.”

“Really?” I wondered. “What if you took it out of the tub?”

“Oh…” she said, and headed back into the bathroom. A clang, thump and a bump later, the water was running…

Last night we went to Sears to look for a video camera. They were on sale. Hubby had seen it earlier in the day, drooled over it for awhile, put together his argument for purchasing one, called me with the argument, and there we were. I’m a sucker, what can I say? On the way out, we passed through the first set of automatic doors, only to find a big sign taped across the second set that read, “OUT OF ORDER. Please use other door.”

We were walking slowly, hubby and I, chit-chatting about the next event for which we might use this camera, so we weren’t really paying attention. We were so focused on this discussion that when the youngest daughter stopped in her tracks in front of the “other door”, we kind of stood for a half a second, waiting for something to happen. It finally dawned on me that we were just standing there, in front of the door, not moving. I looked up and saw her there, looking up, then down, confounded. She was waiting for the door to open and it was not cooperating, because it was not automatic. I leaned forward, just a tad, and whispered in her ear…

“Push.”

She did. The door opened. The clouds parted. The angels sang. It was an incredible moment. She looked back over her shoulder at me, the barest hint of a smile on her lips.

Children have such a way of clarifying things, of reducing things down to simplest form for us, don’t they? I hope we can teach her to think critically before she has to brave the world on her own. Right now it seems like it might be a daunting task!