Just like Daphne, Shaggy had made what we thought would be a lifelong friend at the daycare they started attending when he was just two.
Shaggy and Adam were inseparable at daycare and, like Daphne and her friend Jade, got together outside of daycare for sleepovers and trips to the local amusement park. Shaggy didn’t even call him Adam for a very long time. He was simply, “My Buddy”.
We knew Adam’s parents because Adam’s mother worked at the daycare. I think she was fairly familiar with the situation. The Egg Donor (ED) had as much problem paying for daycare then (despite My Hubby’s very large child support payment each month) as she does now and the kids were far younger and much more unkempt at that time. Most of the employees at that particular daycare, though off the record only, encouraged us to continue to fight for primary custody.
They would relate things like, “The kids act like they’re starving when they get here, like they haven’t had a meal in days,” and “Velma came this morning in flip-flops… it’s 30 degrees outside!”
They knew.
Anyway, that daycare scenario ended in 2005, right before the hearing, when ED pulled all of the kids out and left the daycare with an almost $300 balance. At that time, the kids were still going to school by ED’s home. Shaggy wasn’t old enough for kindergarten yet, so she enrolled him in a separate daycare and put the girls in the before- and after-school care program at that school (both of which, incidentally, she also left balances at–$750 at the before- and after-school care program and $250 at the pre-K daycare Shaggy attended).
Although they were no longer attending daycare together, Shaggy and Adam stayed in touch. They talked on the phone regularly, and each attended the other’s birthday parties. They continued to have sleepovers and get together. It wasn’t as often as when they saw each other daily, but we tried to keep it fairly steady.
In mid-2006, we went to arbitration to move the kids to the new school being built in our neighborhood. There were many reasons. ED had not participated in parent/teacher conferences, had not attended school programs, was not working together with the kids on getting homework done, and had disenrolled the kids from before- and after-school care program. During the last three months of the 2005-2006 school year, she was having the girls (then ages 8 and 10) ride the bus home to an empty apartment because she refused to pay the outstanding balance.
And then there was the school itself. The new school came with shiny new classrooms, new curriculums, new desks, and the opportunity for the kids to be the first attendees ever at the school. It also came with new staff… staff that did not have ED’s abuse claims running around in their heads, staff with whom we might have a chance to build a relationship focused on the kids. And the bonus? Adam was going there, too.
We made it through the arbitration, with the outcome being that My Hubby was awarded sole decision-making, and his first decision was to put the kids in the new elementary school.
While ED talked to the kids at length about how awful the new school would be, how we would never let them see their old friends, how far it was for her to drive, the kids seemed genuinely excited. When Shaggy found out that he and Adam would be in the same first grade class, he was beside himself!
The year started out well. The kids settled in and really liked their teachers. They still couldn’t seem to get homework done during the 49% of the time they were with ED, but they made new friends… friends that lived close, friends that they could get together with on a regular basis. They loved the before- and after-school program. Shaggy loved having Adam in the same class. He was back to hanging out with His Buddy, every single day. It was bliss.
Then came Adam’s birthday party. The invitation came home with Shaggy from school. I don’t remember who was on the front. It was probably Scooby Doo or some other first-grader friendly character. Shaggy set it on the counter immediately after we got home.
“Can I go?”
“Let me see, Buddy…,” I said, reaching for it. “It looks like it’s on a weekend you’re with your Mom. You’ll have to take it to her.”
“OK,” he said, and stuffed it back into his backpack.
The following weekend, I made sure he had the invitation. He did, right in the front pocket. He showed it to me. “See?”
“OK,” I said. “Make sure you give it to Mom.”
That night, Adam’s mom called to see if Shaggy would be there. I let her know that we were sending the invitation to ED’s house, that Shaggy would be with her on that weekend, but that I assumed he would be there. Surely she would take him to Adam’s party. They’d been friends for so long!
The next week went by and I forgot about it. But Shaggy didn’t. He reminded me that the party was this upcoming weekend. He told me all about what they would do, where they were going, who else would be there. He was so excited.
So when we picked them up from school that next Wednesday, it was the first thing I thought of to ask him about. I tilted the rearview mirror so I could see him and asked, my voice excited with the anticipation of how much fun he probably had, “How was Adam’s party?”
He glared at me in the mirror and didn’t respond.
It was not the response I had expected. I immediately surmised that ED had not taken him.
“Did you not go?” I asked.
“No,” he replied. “Dad was supposed to pick me up and take me and he didn’t come!”
“What?!?” I replied. I was genuinely shocked. We had, of course, heard nothing about this whatsoever.
“Dad was supposed to take me. Why didn’t he come?”
“Well, Buddy,” I stammered, “We didn’t know anything about that plan. We never pick you up on weekends with Mom and we never had any discussions like that with your Mom. Is that what Mom told you?”
He nodded sadly. I don’t think he knew what to believe, although it was far from the first time ED had pulled something like that. I think, deep down, he knew I was telling the truth.
Since that weekend, Adam has grown steadily away from Shaggy. There have been no more sleepovers, no more play dates, no more amusement park visits… and no more phone calls. When Shaggy calls Adam they never answer and the multiple times he’s left messages, we don’t get a call back.
I can only guess that ED had a conversation with Adam’s mother and told her the same story she told Shaggy–likely completely embellished, and completely untrue, but believable enough that she bought it, whatever it was. Believable enough that she thought Adam shouldn’t hang out with Shaggy anymore.
Poor Shaggy lost a friend that weekend, a friend he will probably never get back… and we don’t really know why.
While it hurt that My Hubby had to defend his actions that weekend and explain to Shaggy that ED had not been truthful (again), it hurts more that it hurts Shaggy so much… and it has now for so long.
Last Monday was MLK Day (a full year since Adam’s birthday party). No school and I was home with them for the day. All of the other kids called friends and invited them over to play.
Shaggy ran through his list of friends and couldn’t find one that was available. As he held the directory in his hands, disappointment scrawled across his face, his eyes welling with tears, he pointed to Adam’s name and said, “I would call Adam… but he never calls back. I guess he’s just not My Buddy anymore.”
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