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The Total Idiot’s Guide to Living in Cubeland

September 27, 2007

I don’t care about your plans for the weekend, unless we’re friends.
If we’re friends, come by and talk to me about it.
If we’re not friends, have your little chat about your weekend plans at a lower decibel level.
I have things to do.

I think it’s great that you bring your breakfast to work.
I’m sure it’s much healthier than stopping by Micky D’s or wolfing it down in the car.
I do not, however, want to hear every lip-smacking bite you take.
Especially from three or four cubes away.
Feel free to close your mouth and chew more quietly.
My kids get excused from the table for manners like that.

When you answer the telephone?
You don’t have to yell.
If the connection is bad, ask to call that person back.
Yelling during the entire conversation makes the person on the other end of the line deaf.
It also makes me deaf…
And grouchy.

If you get a box delivered to your cube and it contains packing material?
Feel free to empty the box without popping every bubble in the bubble wrap.
Pop it all in the car on the way home or something.
And the giant wads of paper inside?
They don’t actually contain anything–they’re just there for cushioning.
You don’t have to open each individual piece–AS LOUD AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN–to verify that there’s nothing in there.

You also don’t have to slam the drawers in your cube.
Or the flipper doors.
Or bang on your desk.
Or pound on your keyboard.
Or tap your pen.
Or slurp your coffee.
Or talk to yourself.

If you live in Cubeland North and you have sent me an e-mail requesting action?
Do not come to Cubeland South and stand behind me to see if I get it done.
I can use e-mail as effectively as you can.
And I am much more efficient than you are.
Standing over me makes me grouchy…
And slow.

If you don’t do the job I do?
Don’t ask inane questions or make inane comments about how I should best get that job done.
I understand my job very well.
That’s why they pay me the big bucks (insert sarcastic eye roll here).
I don’t question your knowledge unless you give me reason to.
I haven’t given you a reason to question mine.
It’s a waste of my time.
And it makes me grouchy.

If you brought your cell phone to work?
Put it on vibrate or turn it off.
If you can’t make that happen, don’t leave it at your desk.
Because I don’t want to listen to it ring 50,000 times.
The next time you do that?
I might answer it for you.
And that might make you grouchy.

These are pretty simple things, I’m thinking.
If you’re struggling with understanding them, go to this site to check out what the “experts” have to say.
Their opinions are right in line with mine on this subject.
They’re just less grouchy.
Probably because they have an office…

With a door…

That closes.

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. Lynda permalink
    September 27, 2007 9:27 am

    Sounds like you’re due for a vacation from cubeland!! LOL!! Or maybe everyone else needs to take a vacation so you can have some peace. Maybe you should send a link to that site to Cubeland North and Cubeland South? I hope things improve and make you NOT grouchy. Love ya!

  2. September 27, 2007 10:02 am

    If you come to work with a cold, stay home. Blowing your nose for the masses grosses out the masses.
    No Farting.
    No Belching.
    No Yelling at your spouse at work, in Cubeland.
    Don’t have an affair in Cubeland. We will find out.
    No backstabbing your coworker. We will find out.
    The fact that I don’t have a door does not coincide with your boundaryless personality.
    It is not polite to listen to your female coworker’s discussion with her girl-doctor.
    It is not okay to carry on a conversation “through” the cube walls, get up, go around and do conversations eye to eye…or send an email.

  3. September 27, 2007 10:06 am

    Working in an office with a Door: Closing your door causes great consternation, worry and gossip on your coworker’s part…they pace and hover like hyenas. I’ve found that when you leave the door ajar, like a half inch, they can walk by, see you in there, and their world is once again a safe place. It’s an amazing phenomenon.

  4. September 27, 2007 11:07 am

    And don’t snore either.

    I had a cube neighbor who grunted and snored. He was a caveman for sure. Funny, he didn’t like me either. He wanted my job. Instead he deleted a bunch of folders I needed to recover on his way out….

  5. tulips4me permalink
    September 28, 2007 8:08 am

    Donna is right about the issues that are created by a closed office door. I have experienced this from those outside my door when it is closed and have found that leaving it slightly ajar prevents the nervous nellies from freaking out! The other way I have dealt with it is to tell them that when the door is closed, I am having phone sex…this gives them something to giggle about ant not be so nervous! Ha!

  6. September 28, 2007 9:57 am

    AMEN! Someday let me tell you about my “doublewide” cubicle and the old lady I share it with…..and I mean OLD!

  7. October 3, 2007 7:01 pm

    I totally understand. I think there should be a book on the subject!

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