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It’s Friday People!

July 11, 2008

It’s Friday, and I’m thrilled about that!

In honor of the break I will get over the weekend from the rigors of corporate life (read: time-wasting, blame-shifting, and name-dropping), I am posting the top ten most annoying things I have dealt with at work or en route.

They are:

10. I generally run late in the mornings. I’m not sure if has something to do with the fact that:

  • getting myself ready
  • getting four kids dressed in the correct outfit for the day (e.g., in their neon daycare shirt if it’s required because they’re going somewhere where they need to keep track of all of the little munchkins)
  • getting lunches made for the aforementioned four kids who could argue over the number of possible shades of the color pink and therefore argue about all manner of silliness, up to and including who got Cheetos yesterday even though there are 57,000 bags of Cheetos left for today
  • getting the dog fed and corralled so that we can get her outside before she chews up my newest pair of slippers
  • and turning off all of the lights in the house because my husband has “an issue” with lights being left on during the day (a leftover childhood trauma, I’m pretty sure)

…takes so long that I have to get up 4.3 minutes after I went to bed, but I am… usually late.

And I always end up behind the person who doesn’t have a care in the world, is likely unemployed, thinks it might be Sunday, and is therefore driving 3 miles per hour.

9. Once that person who was driving 3 miles per hour turns off, I end up behind someone who might be driving 4 miles per hour, but suddenly needs to turn and slams on the brakes directly in front of me, causing my blood pressure to go through the roof because I’m usually less than the safe following distance behind him (um, ok, maybe 3 inches IS a safe following distance) and I have to lock ’em up in order to avoid a “fender bender”.  Then that person slows to .00000002 miles per hour before whipping over into the TURN LANE THAT HAS BEEN THERE FOR THE PAST 50 YARDS.

8. I am addicted to Diet Dr. Pepper… or Diet Coke if DDP isn’t available. That means that I’ve already sucked down about a 2-liter before I actually get to work (yes, I know–soda is bad for me, but remember how early I have to get up? I’m not operating on a lot of sleep and if caffeine keeps me rollin’, then so be it–lay OFF already). While my bladder has been learning for years and years how to manage this sizable fluid intake, I really have to go by the time I arrive at work. When I roll into the bathroom at full tilt, dropping my purse, my laptop bag, and my keys on the floor because I’m busy trying to get in there before anything embarrassing happens (because, you know, I’ve had a baby and all), I don’t generally pay attention to the position of the seat… in the women’s restroom…

Really? Why on earth is the seat UP? At home I can cope with that little problem. I expect it.  I live in a household with three males.  At work? No guys allowed in there.

Clearly, I need to have a conversation with the cleaning folks.

7. Also in relation to the restroom, I’m not sure who sets up those little automatic flush dealie-bobbers, but they should absolutely NOT recognize that I have leaned forward. THEY. SHOULD. NOT. Because really? I took a shower before I left the house for the day and I don’t need another one. Could it not possibly wait until I’ve actually stood up? Or left the stall entirely? Nothing’s better than a shower RIGHT THERE to start my workday off right. Seriously. Who’s the practical joker?

I think that person needs a spanking.

6. By the time I actually get to my desk, I’m already in a great mood (see numbers 10, 9, 8 and 7 if you have any questions about why I’m in such a great mood), and I’m just grateful to have my little corner of the universe. However, I’d like to find out whose idea it was to create cubicles. Because I? Am seriously over cubeland. I’m not really interested, especially after my recent shower, in hearing about someone’s problems with the in-laws, new medication requirements, bodily function issues, or kids. It’s not because I don’t genuinely like my co-workers and want to hear about their lives, but the folks on the conference call I’m trying to have? In New Jersey? Really don’t care about how well Immodium-AD works.

5. That conference call? Scheduled by those folks in New Jersey? Is at the crack of dawn. Because the whole notion of time zones is really lost on them, evidently. And why would they think that little old me wouldn’t be able to just bump my schedule ahead by hours and hours in the morning to accomodate their every need? Really, that’s why I exist. Just to please them.

4. That conference call? Lasts 2 hours. And we accomplish the big nothing–the goose egg, zero, zilch-a-rooskie, nada, nothing, nyet. Why? Because we spend the entire conference call blame-shifting (for things that really don’t matter, might I add) rather than attempting to figure out a solution to anything on earth. I don’t know about you, but I personally love to blame-shift. I would so much rather spend 2 fruitless hours at work, pointing the finger at someone else for all of my own personal failures, with my neck cranked over in that unnatural position so I can hold onto the phone while I actually DO WORK on my keyboard, than do anything else… like make progress, finish the 87 billion other tasks on my to-do list or, I don’t know, just go home and tackle the Mount Everest of laundry in the middle of my laundry room floor.

3. That conference call? Is followed by another meeting… during which we discuss the fact that no one can get anything done… BECAUSE WE HAVE SO MANY FREAKIN’ MEETINGS.

I wonder whose deep, abiding wisdom came up with that concept?

2. The person who came up with that concept? Probably makes at least six times the cashola I make… and he has an office… with a door… that closes.

And the number one most annoying thing about work?

It seriously cuts into my blogging time.


13 Comments leave one →
  1. July 11, 2008 8:26 am

    You are so funny!! I love reading your blog, I look forward to it.

  2. Kelly permalink
    July 11, 2008 8:44 am

    Thank you for making my day! I was in desperate need of a really good belly laugh.

    Enjoy your weekend!


  3. Tulip Girl permalink
    July 11, 2008 8:49 am

    I think that one of those items should have included the fact that all of those meetings and conference calls are really inhibiting my Stephanie Time.

  4. July 11, 2008 9:56 am

    #7 – Keep a roll of black electrical tape in your desk drawer. Take a piece with you to the bathroom. Put it over the sensor in the wall or stem. Go to the bathroom. Clean yourself up. Pull up your appropriate garments. Remove the piece of tape from the sensor.

    Problem solved.

  5. July 11, 2008 10:25 am

    I love Mr. M’s solution to #7! I’d even try it if we had automatically flushing potties here where I work. Unfortunatly, we have manual flush, which the vast majority of people that frequent our facilities cannot seem to figure out. I guess they’re expecting the auto-flush, or something.

    Love this post! Love you, too, cuzzin!

    Tulip Girl, if you can figure out a way to increase Stephanie time, let me know. It’s exceptionally difficult from 1000 miles away!

  6. July 11, 2008 12:11 pm

    Hey… at least its New Jersey… I had a conference call scheduled for FIVE o’clock on FRIDAY night….. because we were working on CALIFORNIA time.

    THANK GOD, my boss heard me comment on the fact that I’d like to go home today…. he called California and bumped it up to 3:30pm and told me to make it from home.


  7. itsalovething permalink
    July 11, 2008 5:03 pm

    You are so funny! My Hubby and I thought the best part was… “I think that person needs a spanking.” We agree! Hilarious!

  8. July 11, 2008 7:12 pm

    Seriously? Are we the same person? Sounds like you just described my day. Except I get everything ready the night before (clothes + lunch) and still run late… and i only have one child. Go figure.

    Thanks for cracking me up.

  9. July 11, 2008 9:43 pm

    re: Seats up. It is my one last hope that someone actually paid attention to the ladies room…that maybe they actually sprinkled something resembling anti-germy stuff in there and swished it around.

    re: Meetings. Spouse-man, currently overwhelmed and understaffed and seriously behind some deadlines, had a meeting with a VP and about 30 other people. The VP waltzed in 30 minutes late and questioned how the team could be more effective in reaching their deadlines. Hmmm. We figure 2.5 man-hour days were lost because of his 30 min. waltzing.

  10. July 12, 2008 8:34 am

    hey! its time to pamper youself girl…
    go to beauty saloon, need make over do it..
    smile to make your world smile at you…

  11. July 13, 2008 9:43 pm

    Oh man…I do NOT MISS that part of the corporate world! I’m so glad I left an office job to fly the friendly skies. Now all I have to do is deal with people that have no manners and still view Flight Attendants as sex objects.

    “Sir if you touch my ass one more time when I walk by, you’ll be wearing a red wine on your head, even though you didn’t order one and then you’ll pay me $4 for it!!!! Got It?!”
    “Uh, yes ma’am.”

  12. July 14, 2008 8:36 am

    Oh, Stephanie – thanks for letting us find your stuff funny!

  13. July 14, 2008 6:23 pm

    Hey woman – you totally made my day with this post. Too flippin’ funny. I have a couple to add:

    1) when walking through an amusement park, the general “rules of the road” still apply — WALK ON THE RIGHT, PEOPLE!


    3) when in the bathrooms at said amusement park, DO NOT, I repeat, do NOT stand in the 3′ doorway, loitering, talking on your cellphone.

    *smack* I wish I could just smack ’em all.

    Or maybe I’m the one with the problem and should move awayyyy to a small, remote town of 100.

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