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Fresh Beginnings

November 30, 2010

I have been gone awhile.

At first, I thought I just needed a break from writing. Perhaps I needed to refocus a little, put more energy into my family, into my work life, into painting my living room. So I took a break.

We had little bumps in the road, here and there, where things happened and I didn’t have another place to put my irritation, so I posted. I posted about her failure to pay medical, and her craziness with regard to Velma’s illness. The same song, seven-hundredth verse. I dumped it and ran, and got some interesting comments.

From Mister M: “These long-winded back-and-forths over the same old s*%! is as much your own self-imposed insanity as it is imposed by your psycho ex. Stop the madness and go low-contact.”

You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.

Remember that from When Harry Met Sally?

Marie: I don’t think he’s ever going to leave her.
Sally: I know he’s never going to leave her.
Marie: You’re right, you’re right. I know you’re right.

Marie: The point is, he just spent $120 on a new nightgown for his wife. I don’t think he’s ever gonna leave her.
Sally: No one thinks he’s ever gonna leave her.
Marie: You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.

Well, that one simple comment caught me up by the short hairs, so to speak. It made me breathe for a minute, reevaluate what we were doing, and set a new course for moving forward. It wasn’t immediate–it has taken some time. But I think I’m finally there.

Here are the basics to what I know:

  • ED will NEVER change.
  • I am willing (and so is My Hubby) to go through some minor craziness (e.g., back and forth with the ED in e-mail) to get her to comply withOUT going to Court. Why? We just don’t have it anymore. We really don’t. No desire whatsoever to go stand in a courtroom, in front of a person in a black robe, who doesn’t know us at all, but has the power to make life-altering decisions. I would rather hash it out with ED if necessary, and force her hand, but we can do that KNOWING it was our decision to do it, knowing that she will never change. We choose.
  • That craziness is nothing compared to what we have been through. We have walked through the fire and we are on the other side of it. She has done her worst and we have survived it.  So have our kids, though they bear long-lasting scars.
  • Now? We don’t have to do that very often. Really once a quarter. Where money is concerned.
  • In all other aspects, we just don’t interact with her. We don’t respond to her e-mail about anything on earth, unless it absolutely requires clarification. If there’s an attachment, we just say “See attached” and nothing else. We make it a point to stick to the Court Order and never deviate. If she asks to deviate, we ignore. That seems to be working.
  • Most importantly, I have allowed her to control my life, and the lives of the people that I love, for far too long.
  • I have chosen to allow it.
  • I am done with that!

I may still post something here and there about how crazy she is… because she is… and sometimes it makes me feel like I am. When that happens I need support, from people who know what a long journey this has been, who have walked in my shoes, who GET it.

But overall, my inability to put pen to paper (as it were), has stemmed mostly from my need (deep down inside) to get away from the negative, to stop allowing the darkness of hatred and unforgiveness to rule my life.

Truly, that’s what it has been.

I know the word forgiveness, used in relation to ED (and many of your someones just like her), seems bizarre. It’s not that I’m letting her off the hook for her actions. No, that would be more like forgetting. I will not forget. I will not let my guard down. But I will stop allowing her actions and choices to light a fire of ugliness in my belly.

I need to see light, hope, positivity. It is there. If I choose to see it.

And? I am choosing to see it!

It feels like a deep breath after a good cry, cleansing, full of sweet, spring air.

Much more to come. Stay tuned!

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. November 30, 2010 3:56 pm

    Welcome back! I’m glad that you’ve managed to find your way thru the fire.

    Hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

  2. November 30, 2010 4:13 pm

    I’m glad you’re back. Sometimes it takes stepping back to see the bigger picture. And figuring out what to let go and when to fight is hard. Hang in there. You can do it!

  3. Tonya permalink
    November 30, 2010 4:17 pm

    I am so glad that you are back. I have missed ya. I have always found comfort in the fact that I was not the only one in the world dealing with a crazy pyscho.

  4. casse01 permalink
    December 1, 2010 5:24 am

    Glad to hear you are thinking of yourself and your family and not wasting your energy on her! I think you made a good decision for you and for your family. She doesn’t deserve your thoughts!

  5. Edie permalink
    December 4, 2010 5:02 am

    Yes!!!
    It is so hard to walk away from the craziness and just let it be.There is something completely freeing about the realization that you can never make things right, that your only option is to accept the situation and to be all right inside. I started healing when I realized that above all else, I had to protect myself, my core being.

    In my situation, it has been more than 2 years, almost 3, (whew!!) since I have spoken to my son’s father. The last time I attempted a conversation, he wouldn’t listen to my half, it was just his monologue. So I realized that there was no point in even attempting communication. A year and a half ago, my son, 13.5 at the time had a huge argument with his father, in which his dad ordered him out of his house. My son left his house and hasn’t been back since. Knowing that I had no credibility with his dad to fix anything, and not wanting to be accused of interfering with his relationship with his son, I stayed out of it and did nothing. I told my son that it was between his dad and him and that there was nothing I could do that his dad would accept.

    His stepmom called the house several times, but my son refused to talk with her. After several months, he answered an email, telling her that he was OK with the situation, that he was less stressed not seeing his father, that he was doing better in school. (I knew about it as he asked me to spellcheck his note since his spelling is/was atrocious, but he did not accept my advice to sleep on it before posting.) To my knowledge, his dad has not attempted any sort of reconciliation.

    And it is true. A child, who had major dificulties in elementary school, because let’s be realisic, how can you learn to read when you have to worry because your dad is telling that you are going to have to tell a judge that you want to live with your dad…, etc., was now interested in learning. He has been on the A honor roll ever since, something he had never accomplished before. This year, as a freshman, he was put into AA classes.

    The only connection is that we continue to receive child support. Although if it stopped coming, I wouldn’t do anything. In my mind, that is between him and the courts. He has had several contempt citations, and once lost his driver’s license for non-payment, so he might not dare stop paying. But if he does stop or when my son turns 18, my son wants to change his hyphenated name to just my last name.

    He misses his stepmom and step grandma and his step cousins, but told her that while she would be welcome at his band concerts, he doesn’t want his dad there. And that is that. I could never have foreseen that all of the fighting and hullabaloo would turn into this.

  6. December 6, 2010 8:35 am

    Good for you! Looks like a good path to be on. Keep reconnecting with yourself and you’ll do fine:) Happy holidays.

  7. Christine permalink
    December 9, 2010 5:39 pm

    Good for you friend. Amazing what a bit of letting go can accomplish. Love you.
    christine

  8. December 11, 2010 7:17 pm

    I hope you know I said it with all of the love and caring an anonymous person can throw your way… and perhaps with a touch of feeling every little bit of anxiety reading about what you are/were going through as you were probably feeling. I could *feel* it… and it was painful.

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